#10. Give it a Funny Twist! (Over 500 outstanding jokes!)
I dearly love to see the humorous side of life. Do you? Something happens and you give it a slight twist, and 'Bingo!' -- it changes everything? Lafter is what we're after! So are you a person with wit? Can you turn lemons into lemonaide? Can you with a simple little twist see the humor in an experience?
I have often wondered who painted the "Wet Paint Signs". Just how does one determine which is the wet item? What if the sign itself is wet -- not the bench or wall? What happens if the sign is still wet and someone touches the sign?
You've heard laughter is a good medicine. Jokes make us laugh for they always have a twist.
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. "When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. "Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no Mom. But if I told the story the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
This think-piece is intended to be silly and fun in order to awaken your imagination. Do you have a story that has a twist to it?
posted by Virgil at 1:06 AM
507 Comments:
The Love Of Sharing Equally:
As I was sitting in McDonalds, I noticed an elderly couple sitting down to lunch.They ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As I watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra drink cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching,with her hands folded in her lap. I decided to ask if they would allow me to purchase another meal for them so they didn't have to split theirs.The old gentleman said, "OH NO,we've been married 50years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50/50."
I then ask the wife if she was going to eat and she replied, Not Yet, It's his turn with the teeth.
Now... isn't love grand? And what a twist to this storie!
Fun and laughter is marvelous in ones life is it not Reverend? We don't see enough of that these days.
I think that humor starts as soon as my feet touch the floor as I get out of my bed in the morning.
I just love to frolic in the grass and enjoy when God presents to me such a beautiful sunrise and sunset at the end of the day. I want to run and play and just enjoy the moment, just let me be me without judgement of my character. Let me be silly. I enjoy lots of laughter and having fun. SAVVY
Kids say the funniest things and if I may, I'd like to share.
A three year old went with his dad to see some kittens. On returning home, he told his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath" he replied "I think it was printed on the bottom.
Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left shoe was on the right foot. She said,Son your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, mom I know they're my feet."
Talk about a strees releaver, this is so great!
First and foremost I must clarify that I'm not the romantic type that throws away valuable time tweezing petals from flowers or glancing at the sky to find a "meaning". Today just so happened that a certain cloud formation caught my retina.
How is it that people always see the puppy, the bunny, the heart or the more retarded cotton candy when looking at the clouds? Nobody even sees "the finger" anymore!
I mean, I'm looking at this cloud floating above, and the first thing I thought to myself is, this would make for a really messed-up of puppy. Maybe a puppy that has been run over… twice!
At the infrequency of my cloud glancing traditions, I tend to see the miss-shaped nipple, the fruit basket, the Peewee Herman, the old brick cell phone with low battery, and the season finale of Seinfeld.
And finally, today (thinking a lot have seen this one) I saw the Teletubies on fire.
...the things nature makes me look at!
Seen any uniquely shaped clouds lately?
The Things We Do For Love:
Don’t ever… French kiss a piranha.
Carnivorous freshwater fish living in south American rivers. Aggressive predators with extremely powerful teeth. Their aggressive instincts are stimulated by blood or open wounds, and you probably have some miniature wound you haven’t noticed, but she will, and that will awaken, not her desire to make out, but to bite quick and hard. Although they rarely attack humans, French kissing it may piss her off, especially if it's not properly seduced.
As sexy as they may be, I suggest repressing your piranha making out craving. You'll probably end up loosing your tongue.
I rest my case!
Now, Virgil, what responces! I like Savvys outlook, and poor Cappy, she sure is missing out on life, and how about the one about the piranha! you go WHATEVER! by the way, change your user name. I bet you are a lot of fun. As for me and my husband, we know of no good jokes at this time, We just enjoying reading your think pieces and comments Virgil. And yes humor is so good for the soul. We want to meet Savvy and the other one with the fish comment, and of course you. What wonderful think pieces!What a wonderful idea reverend. What cute ways to express these (joke) stories.
Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring ahead. Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.
Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The secret service agent agreed with the President. "Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak to me. Watch!" Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man just stared straight ahead.
Finally, the secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses." The secret service agent whispered back, "Why don't you answer the President?"
Moses replied: "The last time I talked to a bush, I found myself wandering around in a desert for 40 years!"
IT IS WHAT IT IS! I'M enjoying this think piece Reverend, can you tell? Savvy
The Devil In Church
Submitted by (anonymous)
Devil In The Church
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't, " said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Hear is a joke I heard not to long ago. By the way, I like this think piece.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck; from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." The vet then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
Five Important Tips For Women
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2.It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Religious Symbols on the Rocks
Three children were talking about their religions.
"I'm a Catholic," said one, "And our symbol is the cross."
"I'm Jewish," said the second, "And our symbol is the Star of David."
The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!"
And on that note: IM UNITY AND OUR SYMBOL IS LOVE.
In March of 1992 a man living in Newton, Massachusetts, received a bill on his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He threw it away.
In April he received another and tossed that one, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00. In retrospect, he probably should have let them do that. Instead he called the company and was informed that (are you ready for this?) the problem was the result of a computer error. They told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he reasoned that, if other charges appeared on the card, then it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. Besides, they assured him the problem would be resolved. So he presented his card for a purchase. It was declined. Once again he called. He learned that the credit card had been canceled for lack of payment. They apologized for (here it is again) another computer error and promised they would rectify the situation.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that this bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it. But the following month he received yet another bill for $0.00 stating that he had ten days to pay his account in full or the company would take necessary steps to recover the debt. He gave in. He mailed in a check for $0.00.
The computer duly processed it and returned a statement to the effect that his account was paid in full.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him why he wrote a check for $0.00. He explained the problem at length. The bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 caused a computer crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced, that he still owed $0.00 and, unless payment was sent immediately, they would institute procedures to collect this debt.
This man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
This story I know is weird Reverend, I found the article and just wanted to share it with you. IT is funnie what our eyes see, and what our minds think!
ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) -- A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sun roof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye witnesses.
Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was Jesus.
"She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.
"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said. "She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say.
"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said
Paul Madison, first officer on the scene. Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and was on his way to a toga costume party when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow up sex dolls filled with helium which floated up into the air.
Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration, and said "Come back here," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, who says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else.
When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."
There was this poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store.
She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries.
She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed food.
The grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once.
Visualizing the family needs, she said: "Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as
soon as I can."
The grocer told her he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store.
Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two. The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family.
The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, "Do you have a grocery list?"
The woman replied, "Yes sir." "O.K" he said, "put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount in
groceries."
The woman hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.
The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down.
The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, "I can't believe it."
The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more.
The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement.
It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer, which said:
"Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands."
The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence
The woman thanked him and left the store.
The other customer handed a hundred-dollar bill to the grocer and said;
"It was worth every penny of it .. Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs."
Amazeing! Carolyn
Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!
In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what are you up to?"
"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit.
"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.
Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
"I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves."
"Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
"Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts!
Your site is fun to read!
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
HEY THERE, THIS BLOG SITE HAS A LOT OF HUMOR, I'M ENJOYING READING IT ALL! REGGGIE
YOUR BLOG SITE IS SOOOO COOOOL!
YOUR BLOG SITE IS A BREATHE OF FREASH AIR!
WE ALL ARE ENJOYING IT!
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?"
He got this reply...
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only my wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig
Voice Message:
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
Cow From Illinois
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
"Bunny Wabbits"
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp" Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
3 Men, 3 Wishes
Three men were walking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer. The second guy went down the slide yelling,''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''
A Letter from Mom
Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue sid it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle. Not much more news this time, write soon. Love, Mom P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.
A Lesson in Church
A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right." Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct." Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
P.S. This think piece really is so much fun to read Reverend, it is up-lifting. Thank You
A Few Philisophical Statements...
Always take the time to smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek... nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people. It's always darkest just before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it. It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and fewer still to ignore someone completely. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines. I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis. It takes a big man to cry.. .but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. When I'm feeling down I like to whistle... it makes my neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
"The O.J. Murder Trial" by Dr.Seuss
I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead. I stayed at home that fateful night. I took a cab, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be. When I came home I had a gash. My hand was cut from broken glass. I cut my hand on broken glass. A broken glass did cause that gash. I have nothing, nothing to hide. My friend, he took me for a ride. Did you take this person's life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not anytime. Did you hit her from above? Did you drop this bloody glove? I did not hit her from above. I cannot even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, not anytime. And now I'm free, I can return To my house for which I yearn. And to my family whom I love. Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!
Hi Savvy! I'M comming to Detroit second week of September.Sorry I misplaced your e-mail address.Are we still on?
Alaskan Drunk Goes Fishing
A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!" The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The drunk looks up and says, "God? Is this God trying to warn me?" The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."
And Who Are These for, Little Boy?
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either." The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?" The nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?" The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."
An Amazing Connection With God
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?'' And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.'' Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?'' And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''
Amputee Escaping
During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad so he the German doctor amputated his arm. He had a request that they would drop his arm over his base in England. So the Germans did. Then next week they amputated his other arm and he asked for the same thing. So the Germans did. The next week they amputated his leg and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England. The German doctor replied, Nein, Ve do dis no more! The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, Ve tink you trying to escape!
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a bush fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a bush fan?" Johnny says, "I'm an Al Gore fan" The teacher asks why he's an Al Gore fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's an Al Gore fan and my dad's an Al Gore fan, so I'm an Al Gore fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're mom was a moron and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
Doctor's Orders
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" “He said you're going to die," she replied.
Essential Desert Objects
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentencewas a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them. The first guy decides totake an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants. The second guy decides totake a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty. Finally, the third guydecides to take a car door. The judge asked, "Whyin the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case itgets hot, I can roll down the window."
What did the elephant say to the naked man? ''It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?''
Expensive Perfume
A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, ''Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!'' Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, ''Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!'' About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, ''Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!''
Fly In My Guinness
An Irishman, an Englishman and aScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender handsthem over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks outthe fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass,pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, yabastard! Spit it out!"
Gassy Granny
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing...."
God Bless Us
There are five people on a plane that's crashing. There is the pilot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and a big, fat lady and four parachutes. The pilot jumps out and yells, ''God bless me!'' Bill Gates jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and my bank account!'' Michael Jordan jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and my team!'' Wayne Gretzky jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and the New York Rangers!'' The big, fat lady jumps out without a parachute and yells, ''God bless me and the people I land on!''
Hello Reverend, I never had so much laughter reading these comments(jokes) this is so great! It is so much fun, what a way to see the world with such humor! Thank You for bringing so much laughter. Your a gem.
Horny Toad
What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad? One goes "Ribbit" and the other goes "Rubbit."
I think I shall never see,
a hazard rougher than a tree.
A tree over which my ball must fly,
if on the green it is to lie.
A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard,
A tree whose leafy arms extend,
to kill the six iron shot I send.
A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me,
who cannot ever miss a tree.
Savvy,(Carolyn) thanks for the info about this Blog-Site. I enjoyed it.
The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus'' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting,so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ''For the love of GOD! GO, GO!! Jesus Christ, GO!!'' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a ''sunny beach''...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing...why even HE was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them all after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
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Intelligent Life?
Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on Earth. The Captain and First Mate step out and says: "Creatures of the third planet... erm, we have come from Somewhere-Out-There, and we wish to talk to your leader." No one moves or makes a sound. The First Mate says: "Perhaps they are afraid of us." The Captain nods and says again in a friendlier voice: "Please, we mean no harm, just let us speak to your leader." Nothing happens. "We mean no harm, we have come in peace." Again nothing happens. Growing impatient the First Mate says: 'If you will not take us to your leader, we will have to take one of you on board our ship for examination!' When no one makes a move, the Captain pulls out a big laser gun and shouts: "OK, THAT'S IT, FIRST MATE, TAKE THE ONE ON THE END! CUT HIM AWAY FROM THE EARTH HE LOVES SO MUCH!" Some blocks away, two police men sit in their car when they see the light from the laser. "O my god! Did you see that," the first policeman says to the other. They drive to where they saw the light and stop, scratching their heads. "Looks like it's been cut off neatly," the first one says. "Yeah, but why? They'd only get a few dimes out of it." They look around the spot in wonder. And the second says: "Why would anybody want to steal a parking meter?"
Jesus and Moses Play Golf
Jesus and Moses are playing golf and they're on the tenth hole. Moses hits the ball and it heads straight for a pond. Just before the ball hits the water, the pond parts and the ball rolls up onto the green. Jesus winds up and hits one about to the same spot. Jesus' ball hits the water and skips across. All of a sudden, lightning flashes and a ball drops from the sky. A fish swallows it and a bird picks up the fish and drops the ball onto a turtle that walks over to the hole and drops it in. Moses turns to Jesus and says, ''I hate it when your dad plays!''
Johnny Cannot Tell a Lie
'One time, back in the ''day,'' a boy named Johnny was walking to school with his girlfriend. He was trying to impress her, so he said, ''I bet you I can push my father's outhouse into the river.'' She didn't agree with him, so he proved her wrong. Impressed, she walked the rest of the way to school hand in hand with Johnny. That day at school, they studied the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. The moral that they learned was ''never tell a lie''. After school, Johnny went home. When he walked in the door, his dad met him. He said, ''Son, did you push my outhouse into the river?'' Johnny said, ''Dad, I want to be like George Washington and never lie, yes, I did.'' His dad beat him from one end of the house to the other. You could have read the newspaper off of Johnny's rear end. After Johnny was finished sobbing, he asked his father,''Dad, why did you whoop me? I didn't lie. George Washington cut down the cherry tree and didn't lie about it, and he didn't get a whooping.'' Johnny's dad looked at him and said, ''Son, I bet George Washington's dad wasn't sitting in that cherry tree when he cut it down, was he?'''
Man, I Feel Like A Woman
I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic. "I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?" The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man. "I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply. He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said... "Iron this!"
Night Of The Living Dead
An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The evangelist is getting really worked up, and it's soon time for the healing portion of the show. "If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place on hand on the television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!" The old man places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin. "Oh, don't be stupid!" says the old woman. "He said heal, not raise the dead!"
The Rabbit and The Bear
A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn't right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes. The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet. The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself. It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female. Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ''I wish that that bear is gay.''
Parachute Crap Shoot
Three people are in an airplane: GEORGE W BUSH, the smartest man in the world, an old man and a young girl. The plane catches on fire and there are only two parachutes. The president gets one and says, My country needs me! and jumps. One parachute left and the old man says, You take it, my life is almost over anyway.The little girl says, No. We both can jump. Confused, the man asks, How? The little girl says, The smartest man in the world took my backpack.
Priests on a Hawaiian Vacation
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs,enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father,""Good morning Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits -- so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them -- and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous bikini-ed blonde came walking toward them again. (Theywere glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning,Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?" "Oh Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angelica."
Psalm of Bush
Psalm of Bush Bush is my shepherd I shall not lie He leadeth me beside the still farms and small towns. He restoreth my doubt in the Repulican party He guideth me down the path of untold debt for the party's sake. My wages he will freeze but my expenses runneth over my income. He cuteth taxes for the wealthiest surely. Poverty and hard living shall follow the Republican party and I shall live in a rented house forever. 5,000 years ago, Moses said: "Park your camel, pick up your shovel, mount your ass, and I will lead you to the promised land." 5,000 years later, Franklin D. Roosevelt said: "Lay down your shovel, sit on your bum, light up a camel this is the promised land." Today, Bush will steal your shovel, sell your camel,kick your bum, and tell you know there is no promised land. I am glad I am an American and I am glad that I am free but I wish I were a little dog and bush were a tree.
Rooster in His Declining Years
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
Praying for the Lottery
One Sunday, Shane walks into a church and kneels down at the altar and begins to pray to God, stating that he owes many people money and asks to win the lottery. After he is done praying, he gets up and walks out. The next Sunday he goes to the same church and pleads with God through his prayers to let him win the lottery so that he can pay these people back. The next Sunday comes around and Shane enters the church very upset and close to tears, he kneels at the alter and asks why God is doing this to him and say's that he has asked to win the lottery for three weeks now and nothing. Suddenly there came a loud bang of thunder and God spoke, "Shane, meet me halfway: Buy a damn ticket!"
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Butt Surgery
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Slow golfers are ahead of us
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around. Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
Money Isn\'t Everything
Money can buy a house but not a home. Money can buy a bed but not sleep. Money can buy a clock but not time. Money can buy a book but not knowledge. Money can buy food but not an appetite. Money can buy position but not respect. Money can buy blood but not life. Money can buy medicine but not health. Money can buy sex but not love. Money can buy insurance but not safety. You see, money is not everything. Therefore, if you have too much, please, send it to me, immediately.
O, JUST HURRY!REVEREND!
Computer Help Desk
This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "No thing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "WhaT's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What’s a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ".......Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing suff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"
This is such a fun blog-site! What Humor! This is good for the soul!
Keep up the good work, I'M hooked on your site!
A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck. A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."
The Tradition of the Christmas Angel
One particular Christmas season, long ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but everything seemed to be going wrong. Four of his elves got sick and had to be replace with trainee elves, which slowed down the production line -- so Santa was beginning to feel pressured and behind schedule early on. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to spend the holidays with them again, and that stressed out Santa even more. It only got worse when he began to prepare for his trip. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that one of them was about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where, which meant that more elves had to be pulled off the toy line to go find them. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards came loose and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering toys everywhere. He picked them up and then spent ten minutes looking around the shop for the right size nail for the damn board, and of course he whacked himself on the thumb while pounding it into the board. Deeply frustrated at this point, Santa figured he'd better have a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey before heading out. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drank all the liquor, which made Santa so angry that he slammed the coffee pot down on the table -- and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that his mother-in-law had taken it somehwere. Just then the doorbell rang, and Santa went to answer it, cursing yet another interruption. He opened the door and there was a little angel with golden ringlets and a sparkly robe carrying a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it? Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter. "So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "None. I had a perfect marriage." "Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "Only twice, I think," says the second guy. "Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy. "Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford." Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercdes crying. "What's wrong?" "I just saw my wife." "So?" "She was riding a skateboard."
Statue Fantasy
An old wizard was walking through a park when he came upon two statues. One statue was male and the other was female. They were positioned on opposite ends of the park, facing each other with their arms extended out as if to embrace. The wizard stood there for a long time examining their sad facial expressions until he got an idea. He immediately opened up his bag of tricks and cast a spell on the statues to bring them to life. Once the statues realized they were human, they quickly ran up to him. The wizard, being very pleased with himself, told the statues that they could finally be together as a couple but there was one condition. He said, ''Go off and experience with each other whatever you've wanted to do for all these years but you must be back within a half an hour before the spell wears off.'' Wasting no time, they quickly ran off into the bushes. The wizard, with great pride, sat down on a park bench and waited patiently. Fifteen minutes later the two statues came walking back to him. The wizard, with great shock exclaimed, ''For over a hundred years you both have bore your passions and now that you have your chance, you come back after only fifteen minutes? Go back to the bushes and continue what you were doing before you lose your only chance!'' With that in mind the female turns to the male and exclaims, ''The old man's right. But this time you hold down the pigeons and I'll crap on them!''
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the ! woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "No problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks on shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean----", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
A Father's Sermon
A minister's young son sat on the floor of his father's office watching him write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" the boy asked.
"Why, God tells me." his father replied.
"Well, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
Two guys are sharing a hospital room. "What are you in for?" "I'm getting a circumcision." "Damn! I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!"
What goes in hard and comes out sticky and wet? Bubble gum, you sicko!
The Definition of "Fascinate"
A first-grade teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word fascinate in it. A little girl stands up and says, ''Walt Disney World is so fascinating.'' The teacher says, ''No, that's not correct. I said, fascinate.'' Another little girl stands up and says, ''There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life.'' The teacher again says, ''No, the word is fascinate.'' So a little boy in the back of the room stands up and says, ''Well, my sister has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the ten buttons on her shirt.''
There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them!"
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!"
This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!
Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!
These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
A Lawyer's Question
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
TO THE REVEREND, IT TOOK ME OVER ONE HOUR TO READ ALL OF THESE JOKES! BUT WHAT FUN IT WAS! STACEY
A Mime in a Zoo
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Butlers Nite Off
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said."Take off my dress." He did this carefully."Jerves," she continued." Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
A CEO (and member of Forbes 400!) throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"
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The healer
This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you." The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."
The newlyweds
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the
morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't
understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are
you doing?" "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
WOW! WHAT A RESONCE YOU GOT! I READ EVERYONE OF THE JOKES, THEY ARE COOL! I LIKE THIS THINK PIECE! IT SURE TAKES AWAY ALL THE STRESS AND THE NEGATIVITY. THANKS FOR THE ENJOYMENT.
The king's daughter
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic -- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his
wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the
third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?
They were M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you thinking?)
What is the definition of innocence? A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.
These two Polaks are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy
"Should I Tell Her?"
An elderly European man asked the local priest to hear his confession.
"Father", he started, "During WWII a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess."
"It gets worse", Father. I was weak and told her that I would hide her but she must repay me with her sexual favors."
The priest replied, "You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil and judge you kindly. For your penance, say three Our Father's and three Hail Mary's and Go In Peace, my son - your sins are forgiven.'
"Thank you, Father, That's a great load off my mind." said the man, "I have only one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
The old man replied, "Should I tell her the war is over?"
A man enters a barber shop and asks how long before he can have his hair cut. The barber looks round and replies, "Two hours." The man leaves the shop. The next day the man again enters the shop and asks how long before he can have a hair cut. The barber again replies, "Two hours." The man walks out.
The next day, again at the same time the same man enters and asks how long for a hair cut. Again the answer is two hours. He walks out and the barber asks his friend to follow him and see where he goes. Twenty minutes pass and the friend finally returns in stitches laughing. "Well," asks the barber, where does he go?"
The man replies, "Your house."
A couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine
Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction
bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be
auctioned off:
A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: See! That was
more than 5 times a month!
The second bull is to be sold: Another fine specimen, this wonder
reproduced 120 times last year.
Again the wife bugs her husband: Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: And this extraordinary specimen
reproduced 360 times last year!
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: That's once a day,
every day of the year! How about YOU?!
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back: Sure, once a
day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. He does so and she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Well, can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" the woman asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his thick hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman -clearly aroused "is there anything I can do?".
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.".
A rich oil sheikh was visiting the White House to discuss the oil trade with political bigwigs. His personal servant was attending to the sheikh's every need, as was customary and expected. The sheikh, never having tasted salted peanuts before, took an instant liking to them, and began munching them like you wouldn't believe. Naturally, the salt made the sheikh thirsty, and he called to his servant to get him some water. His servant left the room and came back with a glass of nice, cold water. Munching some more on the peanuts, the sheikh got thirsty again, and called to his servant to get him another glass of water. The servant immediately complied with his master's wishes, and returned in a jiffy with another glass of water. Really taken by the peanuts, the sheikh virtually stuffed himself on them, and got a healthy thirst to match. He called to his servant to get him some more water, and off the servant went. This time, he came back empty-handed. The servant apologized profusely, and begged his master's forgiveness. Furious, the sheikh yelled and screamed at his servant, 'You son of a flea-infested camel, why can't you bring me my water?!?' 'But Master', begged the servant, 'I cannot bring you your water because a white man sits on the well...'
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Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she says.
"Yes, I see," he says. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!"
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never believe this!
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A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi. Am I ever happy to see you!"
Girl: "Hi. It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It has been ten years." With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It has been ten years." The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle."
Finally, the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too?"
Bill and Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore all die in a plane crash. Upon reaching the gates of Heaven, they're met by God. God looks down from his throne at Al Gore and asks, "Who are you?"
Al Gore replies, "I'm Al Gore, I was Vice President of the United States. "God thinks for a second and says, "Very commendable. You may take the chair to my immediate left."
Looking at Bill Clinton, God asks who HE is. "I was Bill Clinton, President of the United States." "Very good," says God. "You may take the chair to my right."
Looking at Hillary, God asks, "And who are YOU?"
"I'm Hillary Clinton, and YOU'RE in MY chair!"
One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife, but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."
Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June."
Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her.
'Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."
Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not really your father."
BINGO! #100! SAVVY, SAVVY, SAVVY
Isn't it great Virgil?
A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed, since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
#101!SAVVY, AND STILL GOING!
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he's told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
This has got to be one of the best and most successful singles ads ever printed.
Companion Wanted: SINGLE FEMALE seeks companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pick-up truck, hunting, camping, fishing trips, and cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hands. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6429 and ask for Daisy.
Over 1500 men answered this ad and found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old Black Labrador Retriever.
A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they’re standing before St. Peter.
First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. “I can’t let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”
Then came the Methodist. “Sorry, can’t let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”
The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, “It doesn’t look good, Fanny.
One day while walking down the street a highly successful, executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St.Peter. “Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an executive make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in.” said the woman.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind…I prefer to stay in Heaven.”
“Sorry, we have rules…” and with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends-fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having a good time and before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.Peter waiting for her.
“Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven.”
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up St. Peter came and got her.
“So, you’ve spent a day in hell, and you’ve spent a day in heaven, now you must choose your eternity.”
The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”
So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time, now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and smiled. “That’s because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today, you’re staff.”
"Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."
"Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."
"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."
"I'm not saying my golf game went bad , but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."
"These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."
"[Players today] throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."
"Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."
"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
"If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron?"
"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."
"Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."
"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."
"I would like to deny all allegations that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."
"In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"
Have you ever stopped to think whether the inanimate(not alive) things around us also have genders? Believe it or not, they do! Check out these things we use in our daily lives, who would have thought!?!I have to wonder!
Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons Are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A tire is male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
A hot air balloon is male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
A web page is female, because it's always getting hit on.
A subway is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
An hourglass is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A hammer is male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
A remote control is female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps! trying! SAVVY
Afterlife
A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven.
After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
Mary... Mary....
Is that you Fred?
Yes, I have come back like we agreed.
What is it like?
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.
Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.
Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.
Hi Reverend, We are not from Unity, however we came across your web site and golly, you have such wonderful things to read. And your prayers are good for me and my family. We especiallyenjoy your think pieces, what comments, what humor!what fun! Thank You, Bob & Larraine
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest then suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest concludes, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"
The new nun goes to her first confession.
She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.
The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
The new minister's wife had a baby.
The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.
The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having children is an Act of God!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!"
The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair
with a woman - almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in
the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks
over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to
leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I
saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was
the same as putting it in!
HELLO REVEREND BREWER,
THIS BLOG-SITE BRINGS SUCH PLEASURE, AND LOTS OF LAUGHTER. DON'T WE NEED THAT IN OUR LIVES.
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to
heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if
there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more
comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my
life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a
hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and
a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic
farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the
Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with
brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do
you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have
to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse
with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat
and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are
things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is
wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And
those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
There once was a young woman who went to confession.
Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.
THE YOUNG DOCTOR
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to
replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gent suggested the young one accompany him
on his rounds so the community could become used to
a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a
little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been
overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the
amount you've been eating and see if that does the
trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even
examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis
so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my
stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over
to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in
the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think
I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes
talking with an elderly woman.
She complained that she just didn't have the energy she
once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church,"
the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back
a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost
certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my
stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed
the preacher under the bed."
The time has come for St. Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus
volunteers to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.
"It's no big deal," St. Peter explains. "Sit at the registration desk,
and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then send them on to
housekeeping to pick up their wings."
On the third day, Jesus looks up to see a bewildered old man standing in
front of him.
"I'm a simple carpenter," says the man. "And once I had a son. He was
born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in this world. He
went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands
and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on
forever. All over the world people tell his story."
By this time, Jesus is standing with his arms outstretched. There are
tears in his eyes, and he embraces the old man.
"Father," he cries out, "It's been so long!"
The old man squints, stares for a moment, and says,
"pinocchio"
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS"
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
Do you know how many members of the Tate family belong to your church?
There is old man Dic-Tate who wants to run everything, while Uncle Ro-Tate tries to change everything.
There's sister Agi-Tate who stirs up plenty of trouble, with help from her husband, Irri-Tate.
Whenever new projects are suggested, Hesi-Tate and his wife, Vege-Tate, want to wait until next year.
Then there is Aunt Imi-Tate, who wants our church to be like all the others.
Devas-Tate provides the voice of doom, while Poten-Tate wants to be a big shot.
But not all members of the family are bad.
Brother Facili-Tate is quite helpful in church matters. And a delightful, happy member of the family is Miss Felici-Tate. Cousins Cogi-Tate and Medi-Tate always thinks things over and lend helpful, steady hands.
And of course there is the white sheep of the family, Ampu-Tate, who has completely cut himself off from the church.
How about it Reverend - do you know anyone in the Tate family?
A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast.
On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning
sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the
wrong side of the bed this morning."
This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he
just goes on.
He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he
says,"Good morning Brother." The Brother replies in a sing song
voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
The priest looks confused at all this but goes on.
He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and
he says, "Good morning Father." The priest replies in a sing song
manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall
not saying a word to anyone.
The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..."
The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop.
He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong
side of the bed this morning."
The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?"
The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness,
what is it you want."
The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask
you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"
An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. "Well," says the old man, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love." The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!" So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
Snoring Problems
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.
He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were .... or what we did ... but, ... We took first and second place."
When Cinderella Got Old
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
"Men Never Listen"
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.
Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
"The Blonde at the Elmo Factory"
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration, the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said,
''I told you to give each Elmo two test tickles,
not two testicles!!''
"Off to See the Wizard"!
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado.
They are whirled off to the land of OZ.
They finally make it to the Emerald City and find the Great Wizard.
" What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly and says,
"I've come for some courage."
" No Problem! says the Wizard. Who ' s next? "
Richard Nixon steps forward,
"Well, I think I need a heart."
"Done! says the Wizard.
Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"
Up steps Dubya and says,
"I'm told by some of the American people that I need a brain."
"No problem! said the Wizard.
Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
"Well, what do you want?"
"IS DOROTHY HERE?"
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"Sitting Behind Nuns at a Ballgame"
SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME
(WHOSE HEAD GEAR PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW),
THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS
IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING
TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO,
THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN,
AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL ... THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes.
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.
Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted,
"My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!".
Redneck Newlyweds
A week after their marriage,
the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor...
"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried,"
said the husband.
"My testicles are turning blue." "That's pretty unusual,"
said the doctor. "Let me examine you."
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough,
the Redneck's testicles are blue.
The doctor turns to the wife.
"Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"
"Yes, I am," she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"
"Grape"
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. Very impressive.......
However, I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.
After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.
The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said, "You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell!"
Killing Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded
Mary Ellen
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up and
whacks him real hard on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trousers pocket with the name
of Mary Ellen written on it" she replies.
"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races,
Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
She seems satisfied at this and apologizes.
Three days later, he is again sitting in his chair reading when she
nails him with an even bigger frying pan, instantly knocking him out
cold.
When he comes around he asks: "What was that for?"
"Your horse phoned!"
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock wood."
She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
Good Morning Reverend, I have really enjoyed reading all these comments. Your site is so lively and fun to read. This think piece went Bonkers! what fun!It made my morning...and it made me late for work! Polly
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would.. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.
Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF!...she was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"
Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Fred screams back..... "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!! DON'T SWING!!!"
HEY THERE REVEREND,
I DON'T HAVE A JOKE TO TELL, BUT I WILL TELL YOU THIS. I TOO WAS LATE FOR WORK THE OTHER DAY CAUSE I WAS READING ALL YOUR JOKES(COMMENTS). WHEN I TRIED TO TELL MY BOSS TO WHY...SHE WASN'T IMPRESSED. I GOT WROTE UP, LAST WARNING. I SUGGESTED SHE LOOK-UP YOUR SITE AND SHE MIGHT FIND IT TO BRING JOY AND LAUGHTER AS I DID, WELL NEEDLESS TO SAY...THAT DIDN'T GO TO WELL EITHER! OH WELL, SHE'S AN OL STUFF SHIRT THAT HAS NOT A LIFE OF HAPPINESS SHE IS MISERABLE. I TRIED, YOURE SITE IS AWESOME! IT SURE AS HELL MADE MY DAY!THANK YOU.
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing
to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out
a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his
entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom. When she returns
to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the
room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a
kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
Clintons at a ball game
Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered something in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.
The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."
Little Johnny at Horse Auction
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the mailman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy mom!"
A poet, A Song Writer and A Priest
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.
"The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.
"The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
A German, Italian and Redneck on death row
There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck from Arkansas on death row.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1 was to be shot
2 was to be hung
3 was to be injected with the A.I.D.S. virus.
So the German said,"Shoot me right in the head."(Boom, he was dead instantly).
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
So finally the warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom.
Buba and Bo were driving down the road one day and Bo said "Buba, Let's stop at that filling station over on the loop. I've heard some thing about it and want to see if it's true."
Buba say's "O.K.", and they head for the station. When they pull up to the pumps, there is a card on top of the pump that say's:
Free Sex With Fill-Up
"That's what I've heard- Let's fill up Buba" Bo say's.
Buba say's "O.K". and they fill-up and go into the station. Bo tells the man behind the counter.
"I want my free sex- we filled up!"
"It's not quite that simple" the man behind the counter say's. "You have to pick a number between one and ten."
Bo say's " O.K.- er - seven."
" Nope, that's not the number- sorry." The man says
At that time, Buba chimes in- "Hey- I want to play, it was my truck we filled up!"
"O.K.- pick a number between one and ten." the man behind the counter says.
Buba thinks for a minute and says "O.K.- er- three."
" Sorry- that's not the number. Better luck next time."
As Buba and Bo are driving off, Buba looks at Bo and says, " I think that game is rigged. No matter what number we choose, he is just going to say "sorry, wrong number."
" No, it's for real." Bo replies. "My wife stopped by here twice last week and she won both times."
Blind date
Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them.
The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor says "What happened"?
The man answered "Nobody Showed UP!"
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Better Than Pork
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?"
The rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?"
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
True Story
I was happy.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family".
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Cleaning Money
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".
"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd on my trousers too".
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
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God's land
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God wast missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God,"Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and dry while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Ohio, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and mountains. The people from Ohio are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "what about balance, God?" "You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them in Michigan, Indiana and West Virginia."
THE GIFT
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with thembefore I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year !
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that damn rain?."
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What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda,
because the apostles were all in one Accord
Dress Temptation
Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought."How could you do this?!"
"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"
"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"
Bubba didn't know what the sign in the store window meant when he concocted an idea.
The sign said "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."
They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......"
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
P.S. Hope you don't mind me sending another joke, your blog site is awesome! my morning will be great! what fun this is to read Reverened. Thank You for the Joy you brought in my morning.I will copy and paste!
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An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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Three prospective church goers attend a meeting with the clergy of a local church and ask to become members. The three, an older couple, a middle age couple and a young newlywed couple are told that to become members it is required that they abstain from sex for two full weeks and then return.
Two weeks pass and all three return and the clergyman asks each couple if they have fulfilled the requirement laid out at the first meeting.
The elderly gentleman says that they have and are ready to join the church.
The middle age couple advise that the first week was okay but during the second week the husband had to sleep on the couch. Nonetheless, they made it and are ready to join the church.
The newlyweds hang their heads and the husband says, "Well, father, my wife was bending over taking something from the freezer the day after our meeting and I couldn't stop myself. I took her right on the spot."
"I'm sorry," says the clergyman to the young couple, "but, you are forbidden from coming back to this church."
"I figured that," says the husband, "cause we can't go back to the grocery store either."
And God Said..
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.
Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above ...
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME."
Selling Bibles
A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles.
But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, " That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded.
That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and your are going to Chicago, Illinois."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and you are going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."
She sat down again. From nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looked back at the machine and said "This is incredible. I've got to try it again".
Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind".
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong "I never broke wind in public a day in my life!"
Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds and you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."
What Causes Arthritis?
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has it."
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Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.
Thank you." As Leon is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Leon stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin'too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Leon turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?"
Leon stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50.00.
She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to tell you, the birds last owner was a madam at a house of ill-repute and he occasionally makes off color remarks that may offend some people."
Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam".
"That's not so bad," she thought.
A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new hookers."
Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either.
Later that evening, her husband Ray came home.
The parrot again spoke out...
This time it said, "Hi Ray!"
The woman met with a divorce attorney the next day.
A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets.
On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It's all right ma'am, they're just golf balls."
She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"
An old pastor was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old pastor would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"
The old pastor mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
Hello Reverened Brewer,
I have to tell you that I surely enjoy reading these think pieces and the comments. I finally took my moms advice and went to our web site and blog-site. I especially enjoy your essays and the prayers. I have to admit,I have gotten a lot from them. Thank You. By the way...you and I had a conversation a few years ago, my name is Robyn and my mom is Savvy(Carolyn)I would like the honor of meeting you one day, I hear all good things about you. Robyn
Bathrooms And Baptists
There is this rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant especially in language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "bathroom commode." But when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode as the "B.C." "Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the old woman was talking about. That "B.C." business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the camp owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located 9 miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at the same time. It is located at a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunch along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. My daughter met her husband in the B.C.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded, we had to stand up the whole time we were there. Sometimes it is so crowded, there are 5 to a seat. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely due to the lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in the cold weather.
If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit you down and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure to have a seat up front where you can be seen by everyone. Remember, we are a friendly community.
Sincerely yours, (The campground owner)
Nun In Hooters
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
The Preacher And The Dog
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.
The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded.
The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded.
The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw.
The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed.
One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied.
He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.
The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!"
Taking a day off, Jesus and St. Peter decide to play golf. At one part of the course, they came up to a short shot over a shallow pond. St Peter tees up first. He stops and thinks for a moment and then states, "I'm going to use a 6 iron." St. Peter swings and lands a beautiful shot about three feet away from the cup.
Jesus tees up next. He ponders the shot, and then declares, "Jack Nicholas would use a 7 iron." He takes his 7 iron, pulls back, and swings. The ball goes too high in the air and lands in the middle of the pond. Jesus casually walks on the water, retrieves his ball, and tees up. He swings and, again, his shot ends up in the pond.
"Why don't you use a 6 iron?" asked St. Peter.
"No!" retorts Jesus. "Jack Nicholas would use a 7!"
This goes on for several shots - swing, splash, walk on water, recover ball, and tee up again. By this time, other golfers have caught up to Jesus and St. Peter. After watching Jesus walk on water several times to retrieve is ball one baffled golfer turns to St. Peter and asks, "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?"
"No," replies St. Peter. "Tiger Woods."
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out,the Lord again appeared and asked him,"Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."
This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:
"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this ... They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!" When you are DOWN to nothing.... God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible! Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!
All right, now that you're done reading, send it on! I think everyone should read this! "When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, "Jesus, could you get that for me?"
A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?"
The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
AND GOD MADE WOMAN!
By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on Diet Coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart - and she will do everything with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."
"But I won't," the Lord protested. I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?" asked the angel.
The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."
The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."
YOU BETCHA!!!!
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you-we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"
"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded. "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," came the reply.
Hey There Reverend, how come we haven't heard from you?
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast, bacon eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken's buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
Come teatime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm starving!"
On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession that should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship." "What is it?" she asked. "I'm a golfer," he said. "What's the big deal about that?" she asked. He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf -- golf wins."
She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker."
"No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip and that should clear right up."
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.
"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?"
He reached over and held her tight.
"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."
So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully.
The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says' That's amazing. Where did you get him?'
Bill says' well I got this magic lamp with a genie'
So the other fellow says that's great could I use it?' Bill says 'sure ' and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says' I want a million bucks'. Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe exclaims 'Hey! I asked for 1 million BUCKS! not DUCKS!' Bill explained 'Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.
"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."
"You don't know? You, a " good " man, do not know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side of which came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing... I know my Master is there and that is enough."
"May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
Three little ducks go into a Bar.
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
For Best Results, Put On Two Coats.
A Minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"
The sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader, stood very cautiously and announced with a smile -- nearly laughing. "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather At The River."
The Misdirected Vacation E-Mail
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
Hello Reverend, I and my husband has really enjoyed reading all these jokes, it took a long time but we also copied a lot of them down to send to our friends. It sure was humorous and yey we felt relaxed and enjoyed it all. Your Blog-Site is fun to read and your Unity Essays are inspireing, also your prayers.We are from Estero Florida, our friend Carolyn from Mich told us about your site when we called her the other day, I'M glad we took her advice. Thank You.
Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden.
Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.
"You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man.
Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.
After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.
"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.
Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.
"Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar."
"No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma!"
A Redneck Valentine
Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!
Yipeeee....Yee Ha!
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no?" He couldnt remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didnt remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldnt remember who had asked me."
Hello: Your Blog-site and your Think Pieces are awesome sir!
IT brings a lot of laughfter, God knows...we don't have enough of that! And thanks to you, we do, your a gem!
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That’s nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ’From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’
A husband is at home watching a football game when his Wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? Its been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It wont close properly."
To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? Theyre a mess and a real hazard."
"Im not a damn carpenter and I dont want to fix the steps," he says., "Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so." He continued, "In fact, Ive had enough of all your Bickering. Im going to the bar!"
So, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again. And, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed.
"Honey, howd this all get fixed?"
His wife replies, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband.
"Hellooooooo!" she replies emphatically, "Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so!"
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