#84. The Funny Side of the Street

Humor is all about giving a funny twist to a story. Here are 25 of my all-time favorites -- and they are pristine clean. If you have a favorite to share, please do so. Enjoy!

1. An Amish family was visiting the big city. They were amazed by almost everything they saw. The mother and son entered the lobby of a large hotel, while they waited for the father to return. Something really got their attention! The Amish boy and his mother were quite dazzled as they focused upon two shiny, silver walls that could move apart, and then move back together again.

The boy asked his mother, "What is that, Mother?" The mother responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life! When these walls move apart, I can see a small room on the other side. Then the walls close shut once again. I don't know what it is, Son! "

While the boy and his mother were watching, an elderly man in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the elderly man rolled between the doors into a small room on the other side. The walls closed and the Amish boy and his Amish mother watched as small circles of lights with numbers above the walls lit up.

Then they continued to watch as the circles lit up in the reverse direction. Suddenly, the walls opened up again! And out stepped a young handsome, well-built 24 year old man!

Immediately, the Amish mother grinned from ear to ear, turned quickly to her son, and said, "Hurry! go get your Father!"

2. A Man and his wife are having breakfast on a pleasant day out on the patio – a very nice couple.  Margaret says to her husband, “John, if I would die, would you get married right away?”

John spoke: “Well, that’s the darn-est thing to say. Here we are having a nice breakfast together on a beautiful day and you bring up this terrible thing. I’m not going to talk to you. That’s a terrible thing to do. Forget about it! Forget about it!”

But she didn’t forget about it. Margaret repeated the question that evening and the following day. On the third day, she asked again: “John, if I would die, would you get married right away?” Finally, he gave up and said, “Yes. Is that settled?”

“Would you sell the house?” “Well, NO! NO! I wouldn’t sell the house.” “Would you sell our bed?” “NO! I don’t see any reason to sell the bed.” “Well, you certainly wouldn’t let her touch my golf clubs?”

John said, “No! No! She’s left handed.”

3.  When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer.

Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."

God sighed. "Let's be honest Terry," he said, "For just two people ... it doesn't pay to cook."

4.  I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

5.  Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church twelve years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one  son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Frank," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

6.  1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Betty. How'd you die?

1st woman:  I froze to Death. 2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman:  It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began  to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?

2nd woman:  I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman:  I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just kneeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:  Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

7.  Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers with them when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

8.  Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. 'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?'

9.  Feminist, Gloria Steiner, is talking to God about the plight of women in the world. “You know, God, over the years, we’ve been making a lot of progress in the world, but people are so slow to change. Do you suppose that a woman will someday become Pope?”

God replies with much confidence, “Oh, of course, Gloria, of course. I’m positive that it shall indeed happen someday … but never in my life-time!”

10.  A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter with you – haven't ya ever seen a little boy before?'

11.  What did Jesus say at the Last Supper? If you boys want to get in the picture, sit on this side of the table.

12.  A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle slowly turned toward the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't really know, sir, it all happened so fast.”

13.  A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake.  I can wait.' 

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

14.  Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.  After a good meal and a bottle of red Petrie wine, they retired to their tent and lay down for the night … soon they were asleep.

Some hours later, Sherlock woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."  Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."  Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"

After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos, it may be reasonably implied that life -- and possibly intelligent life -- may well fill the universe. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning.  Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.  Metereologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and so I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot!  Someone has stolen our tent!"

15.  The pastor of his church had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so he decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That's what he did. The tree was bending down toward the ground, but then he figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boingggg!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.  So he prayed, “Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,” and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?' She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging for a cat, but she kept refusing.

Then a few days ago, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, “Well, look, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.” She told the pastor, “I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and pray to God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her!”

16.  When I was a baby, someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the Evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' which was just Water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea For Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get Water is the toilet???'

17.  A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honey-moon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a massive heart attack. His death was instantaneous, attempts to revive him unsuccessful, but at least his loved ones were comforted by the fact that he didn't suffer a long and painful illness. 

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages of comfort and encouragement from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: Feb. 25, 2011

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!

18.  Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another patient asked, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

19.  A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

“Look, it’s not the same hat”

“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table”

“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?”

20.  During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed near the window?"

21.  Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water. She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

22.  A young, green, country preacher was contacted to perform a simple funeral at the gravesite of a homeless person who had no living relatives. He agreed, but on the way, he realized he was completely lost, as the old cemetery was somewhere way out in the boondocks. Eventually, an hour after the agreed upon service time, he arrived at a site where apparently, the only ones present were a couple of grave diggers who were about to fill the hole with dirt.

He noticed that the lid for the casket was already closed, so he opened his Bible and began to give his sermon.  The two men took off their hats and listened solemnly. Shortly, the preacher closed his service with prayer and returned to his car. One man turned to the other and said, “Well, if that doesn’t beat all! I’ve never experienced anything so beautiful as this in all my 25-years of installing septic tanks.”

23.  Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and you were raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and Bubba chanted:"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish".

24.  A little boy was having trouble putting his shoes on all by himself. Finally, he stood before his mother who said, “Johnny, your shoes are on the wrong feet.”

Little Johnny shook his head sideways, and in a condescending manner, said to her: “Mom, don’t be silly. I know these are my feet!”

25.  An elderly couple in their mid-90's entered the lawyers office and the woman demanded: "We want a divorce!"

The lawyer asked them to be seated and inquired, "What did you say?" Again, the wife said emphatically: "We want a divorce!" The lawyer looked over at the husband who nodded his head in agreement.

The attorney asked why they had waited so long to get the divorce.

The wife retorted, “We wanted to wait until all the kids were dead!”

Now it's your turn! 

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